Sunday, October 2, 2011


You haven’t heard from me in a while. I am not sure when it all started. But the sheer weight of it began just a month ago.

….I noticed that I just couldn’t keep up. My bedroom, shared by 2 ½ people was constantly messy. Sometimes if you where lucky you’d be able to see the floor.

…..My children, as great as I know they are, started to show to me, their "flaws". No didn’t mean no to them. It meant: “Barrage and harass Mom in the name of negotiations sake until I can get a better answer than no”

…..When my kids would receive a negative consequence, I would get punished. Behaviors from anything to slamming doors, talking under their breath while I was in the room, glaring at me, stopping, to even snarling, all because they were grounded for a week.

….The house was constantly dirty. So much to clean, and fold, and wash. The kids stopped making their own beds. When I told the children to “make your bed” or “pick up your clothes” or even “take a shower”, their response would be flat out “No!” I found myself being less of a mom and more of a maid.

…..WyrdDotD had a chance at a job. She went to pick up the application and even filled it out. I asked when the interview was. She told me she had just turned in the application and she was waiting for their call. I nodded. Later that week I found the same application, filled out but balled up in the trash. She lied to me.

……WyrdHubby blatantly stated he does not and will not deal with the kids…especially WyrdKidG. If something needs to be done he will wait for me to tell them to do it. He refuses to deal with WKG due to the kid’s possible violent outbursts.

The therapist told me to find some ME time. I started walking a mile every day again. I went to the library with a good cup of mocha from QT. And I went and got a job. One day a week. 7P-7A at a small homelike AIDS center. It was clean, warm, inviting, and I feel really appreciated there.

…..and then everything went to crap.

The very first night I received 4 phone calls from WH in less than 45 minutes complaining in the nastiest venom voice he could muster how he was inconvenienced and tired. WKD didn’t want to go to sleep without me and wanted to nurse. WH was waked many times. One of those times he held the phone up to WKD while the baby was crying. Again, I was at work. So the rest of the night I had to deal with the worry of whether or not WKD would be alright at home with his dad. Even when I am there and WKD doesn’t go to sleep, WH will get up to another room to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. I would have to function the next day on 3 hours of sleep or less.

Another time, WKG became very angry when he was given his allowance but couldn’t spend it yet. I needed to sleep and things needed to be covered at home. WH and WKD were about to go buy milk when WKG slammed the door on them. As WHG started to walk away, WH punched him in the back. I had been lying down for less than 5 minutes. I had to get back up just to monitor the house and calm everyone else down.

Then there are the never ending appointments after meetings after therapy sessions that have to constantly be met. We easily go through $300 in gas money in only 2 weeks. Money is so tight these days we have resorted to food pantries to eat. On the days I choose to have a ME day of lounging and reading, I instead have to endure 3-4 HOURS of phone calls from case managers, or social workers, or therapists, or teachers dealing with WKD and WKG. WKG’s last SOC (Systems of Care meeting) included, myself, my husband, WKG’s case worker, his behavioral analyst, his case manager’s boss, a juvenile officer, his counselor from school, his OLD case manager, the state mental health people, a social worker, and State  Medicaid who sat in by phone. That meeting was all about WKG’s care in and out of the home and lasted 2 hours. We still had WKD’s IEP meeting to go to because he is transitioning to the school district.

When I picked up WKD from preschool, he would get upset and sign “daddy!”. Yay me.

Even though we have the resources for it, we still have no PCA (Personal Care Attendant) for WKG. The request through the Autism waiver was lost among other paper work..or the PCA is requesting more money. I can't say I blame him. WKM has started therapy for his anger. But it isnt' helping. He is as angry as ever. Nothing was getting any better. And no one was listening when I spoke. I truly believed that no one cared about what I did except when I didn’t do it. Like making dinner, or “where’s my clothes? Didn’t you wash them? I need them now!” or Where's my stuff? Did you pick it up? Sex with WH was truly for his benefit at this point and not mutually satisfying. And THAT last time was about 2 months ago. I can’t believe I got a MS education for this. I am technically the house bitch.

It was at this point I went "away"…..

I stopped answering my cell phone calls. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not even my dad whom I love with all my heart.

I stopped smiling. I couldn’t find one damn thing to smile about.

I stopped all warm - friendly - kind interaction with my children (except WKD..he's too young, severely Autistic, and wouldn't understand why Mommy is mad.) My other children, however, had turned into greedy selfish little spoiled brats. I didn’t want to be around them.

I stopped talking to my husband. Not a far stretch. We had stopped REALLY talking long ago. He would either cut me off in mid sentence or correct me or just tell me I am flat out wrong...even if I was regarding my own personal motions. I was even told to stop crying in front of the children and go do it in my room. It was inappropriate to show negative emotions in front of the children. Now that REALLY pissed me off.

I stopped eating. I wasn’t hungry. I would look down at my belly or hips and saw how fat and ugly I felt and became. Never mind I had lost 40+ lbs since February.

I though that maybe I could just grab my laptop and MP3 player and start walking, leaving everything behind….never to look back.

 And I had other plans: They just built a new bridge here where we live...maybe I could go for a nice...long....permanent swim.
I could go to a shooting range to “practice”.  Or I could take this OTC medicine, wait 30 minutes, then take a handful of these other pills that I had laying around the house with a beer we have in the fridge. I would gently peacefully go to sleep…for good.
 Sometimes the internet is dangerous but ineffective. But when combined with knowledge, skill and application, it can be VERY dangerous....and EFfective .

I won’t divulge the meds here because 1) my MS in Death investigation was an excellent and thorough education which means I know they work and 2) These items are easily attainable.

I sort of didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to keep on living.

I know you know what the name is for all of this. It’s called Clinical Depression.

You can’t pull yourself out of the funky cloud over you. Your head feels full like sinus congestion. Your eyes lids are always heavy. You’re tired. And so very sad. You don’t laugh or cry or smile or frown or scream. Sometimes when you DO show or feel a hint of positive emotion, it doesn't feel right. You feel broken. You are an empty shell. To say you feel worthless is more like saying you feel dead. No vital organs. No vital anything.

Now I did something that most people don’t do. I told people. I even told them the plan. I went to my church and told my 3 closest friends. I hugged those that loved me and I loved them back. I told our therapist during couples counseling. He listened. There were 3 people in the room. One person was talking but only 1 other was truly listening.  The therapist wanted me to check into the hospital so I could get some respite for myself. WH’s take on it when asked was that when I go “away” he has to pick up the slack at home. “The house would dive into utter chaos…so what’s the point?”

WH and I have reservations on October 14. Parents’ weekend at a really nice local hotel. Everything from hot breakfast and dinner to evening drinks are free. We make plans to go every 3 months. We missed the last 3 opportunities because we had no one to take WKD.  He requires so much care and everyone is so busy. We can’t find someone even if we pay for it. WKG has it set up in his Autism Waiver Grant for respite care over the weekend every 3 months. Our mental health worker is so incompetent that it hasn’t happened. I doubt it ever will.

And so here I am. I refuse to go on medication. I was on Celexa once. It turned me into a doormat. I didn’t care when others walked all over me. I stopped living then, as well. I was more like a loopy smiling idiot labrador. One week I had run out of my meds and started seeing how people talked to me or manipulated me. So I decided to start weaning myself off. I would rather know when someone says something to me in an unkind fashion. That way I can respond like an adult and not just nod my head, smiling like an clueless imbecile.

SO yeah, I’m still here. Sort of functioning. But I truly wish I was somewhere else.

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